Happy Halloween friends!
The months are zooming by and already there is a chill in the air. This winter, still living the Covid world, we must pay close attention to our at-home relationships. Protecting our crew from physical ailments isn’t the only important aspect; we must protect the emotional wellbeing of our relationships too.
One simple way is to stop doing the thing that most of us (ok, maybe all of us) are guilty of: nagging others.
Is it any wonder that the word “nagging,” has an alternate meaning, which means “persistently painful?”
We are all guilty of having our nagging become a nagging pain in the neck! Nagging shows itself in many different forms. It can be when we bring attention to, criticize for, complain about, or incessantly remind someone of something.
We do these things because we believe, in our best intentions, that the other person needs to hear our words of wisdom (for their benefit of course) or as is more often the case, that we want to feel better about something they do or plan to do. But that trap can have unintended consequences.
Let’s have some fun with this…
Example activity: You see your spouse/kids leave their dirty glass on the coffee table.
Your normal course of action is to remind them of it or silently scream in your head about it. Next time you see it happen, before you SAY anything (in your head or out loud), follow one of the four choices below to discover a better way.
Option A
Is the activity in question a life or death situation?
We accept that life is unpredictable. But these days, with the virus, we are confronted with a life or death situation every day. This awareness gives us a chance to examine what is important vs. what is not. Can you honestly say that this activity is worth a discussion/debate/argument in these times?
Recommended response (to our example activity): Since it’s not life or death, say nothing, in your head or otherwise. Let it go.
Option B
Can you try to assume it’s the last time they will do this activity?
If something happens once or if we know it’s the last time it will happen, we can let it go much easier. Too often though, the annoyance takes on the attitude of “this always happens.” When we fall in that trap, we are not allowing change at all. We’re stubbornly holding on to the activity we don’t like simply by our attitude.
Recommended response: Once again, say nothing, in your head or otherwise; imagine the goodbye to this activity in your head, knowing it will never happen again, and allow good feelings to flow.
Option C
Can you imagine the opposite of the activity and decide what you would rather have instead?
We devote a lot of energy to things we can’t change. Repeating the same nagging line may momentarily feel like you’ve done something productive to solve the issue. But the reality is, all you’ve done is get yourself worked up and offended them too. Neither of which feels good.
Instead, IMAGINE what you want them to do. And give energy to that thought. Feel relief.
Recommended Reaction: I’m thinking about a clean coffee table. Ahh, that thought feels good.
Option D
Can you re-focus your attention and focus inward? (The best approach)
Forget the thing that’s bothering you, what they did or didn’t do, and focus on yourself. Doing so will put the attention where it needs to be.
When we focus inward, we are guiding our path forward vs. reacting to something or someone else. Our attention is better spent on our intentions rather than what others might be doing wrong.
Recommended Reaction: What coffee table? I have a big important thing going on today. I intend to have an incredible day!
Things that bother us repeat when we have prolonged attention on them. When we can step away from the problem, the solution has time to present itself. A shift can happen in a few minutes, a few hours, or a few days. But it only happens when focus can be changed. That dirty glass on the coffee table will stop on its own when you stop noticing that it is there and nagging someone about it.
We need our family and our crew at home happy. Getting together with others, already a challenge, will prove even more difficult as it gets colder. Instead of letting little annoyances bog us down, modify your approach and improve your relationships along the way. Right now, being at home with family is our journey. Might as well make it enjoyable for everyone!