Last weekend, as fall descended upon Houston, my husband and I decided to get out and do something. But what?
With our children gone, our new phase of being empty nesters is a continuous work in progress. Having heard “promises of freedom,” from our friends, we had bold ideas. Then, with the pandemic, those ideas vanished, and that freedom has morphed into captivity. Couple that with the Houston summer, and we’ve been stuck indoors, for the last several months.
The arrival of fall however promised a change. Armed with our newfound freedom, we set out to answer the question:
How do we, in our adult years, learn more about ourselves and the things we want to do?
Foundational Guidance & Needs Fulfillment
When we’re young, everyone is busy guiding us. I call this foundational guidance. It comes from others’ experience and they share it in droves, in the hopes of our greatest benefit. They plant all kinds of seeds. Take this class. Do this major. Go to this school. Everyone everywhere has a suggestion for our young, fertile minds.
Then, typically post-college, post-marriage, societal recommendations become more about needs fulfillment… initially for us as adults, but often in preparation for our kids. Live in this neighborhood. Be in this school system. Buy this type of house.
These two layers above correspond directly to the 3 stages of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs (5 stages of human behavior that drive our motivations). We satisfy Physiological, Safety, and even Belonging and Love Needs, hopefully, by the time we get ready to have children.
Lifestyle Recommendations
With the first few stages handled, our attention now falls on the fourth rung of Maslow’s hierarchy: Self-Esteem, and that becomes our driver for the next two decades.
Our lives have shifted now from being about us to becoming parents. Initially, we concentrate on the needs of our children and improving their skill sets (and thereby their self-esteem). Helpful friends and family offer recommendations to that goal: the best karate teacher… math tutor… college admission coach.
As time goes on and we get into our professional primes, conversations broaden around lifestyle recommendations… the best restaurant, the best vacation spots, the best investments. Maybe we pick up a new hobby, a post-graduate degree, or a sports car… but all geared towards improving our self-esteem and how we feel about ourselves and our children.
Turning the Corner to… Self-Actualization
Now that we’ve tried all the best of everything, and satisfied all of our kids’ needs… what guides us or shows us a way forward to learn about ourselves? This question brings us to top level of Maslow’s Hierarchy: Self-Actualization. This stage is about achieving one’s fullest potential, exploring creativity, and being the best that we can be.
No one is offering guidance anymore because we’re too stubborn to take it. And recommendations no longer satisfy us because we’ve learned that people do not have the same tastes as us. We’ve become more distinguished (picky) in our likes and dislikes. Most suggestions are momentarily considered (but not really), and then quickly dismissed.
So now, we have no guidance, no recommendations, and because of the pandemic, there are also no rules. Every day, beyond the basics that we can engage in without effort, we must feel around and answer the question: what do I feel like doing today/this weekend? What will satisfy me? (What is safe in a pandemic?)
Therein lies the problem. After years of making choices that are driven by lower-level motivations and for the collective good, I feel like I have to look in the mirror and introduce myself to myself. Hi, so what do YOU like to do?
Now, we have to re-learn our preferences with the audacity and spirit of a rebellious teenager who is learning how to drive but finally has their own car (and it’s a fast one)!
- Which way shall we go?
- What does boldness look like?
- How do I awaken myself again?
And the truth is… I am not sure yet. I think it will be a combination of wanting to try things. Different things. All kinds of things. I think developing our preferences is no different than going to a buffet. You should try and taste a little of everything, and then go back for more.
That’s why I prefer the term, “reclaimed individuals,” instead of empty nesters. After all, we are learning how to be ourselves again… by ourselves. It’s exhausting… and liberating all at once.
So, as fall descended on Houston last weekend, my husband and I went hiking with our dog. And just as expected, it was exhausting and liberating all at once.
Give me your best ideas for reclaimed individuals!
~ Roopal Badheka
Note: The photo above is not from Houston (I wish!). It’s from the beautiful Black Hills in South Dakota, taken on a family trip a few years ago. And if it looks really familiar, it’s because it was also in a scene from the movie National Treasure 2.
Pickleball!
Got the equipment today…! 🙂