As we continue our national time out with family, it is all too easy to criticize others, especially when they are with us 7×24 right now.
We have never spent more time eating, drinking, sleeping, and being with the ones we love. Naturally, little annoyances can add up. Then, we act as judge, jury, and executioner for any and all behaviors deemed unacceptable (by us). What was once a non-event, is now scrutinized with the passion of investigative journalism.
Suddenly, that candy wrapper left by the couch can inflame us to no end. Who did that? You did that? How could you? Why would you?
And yet, most of us equally fit into both camps: we criticize, and we get criticized.
If you’re being criticized, consider this approach:
When we are criticized as young children, it sometimes translates into our minds as being rejected. Once those wounds are laid deep, it is difficult for us to separate the criticism of the action (leaving a candy wrapper lying around) from our person. Instead, we tend to think of it as an all-out assault against us and that we are being rejected.
Our natural reaction is to defend ourselves. With today’s stress, most of us operate on a hair trigger (slight tug –> KA-BOOM!). Before the blow-up occurs however, we have an opportunity to extinguish the fuse.
The first thing to remember is to stop taking things so personally. Someone’s words are no more than a passing observation on an inconsequential act. Their words do not lessen us in any way. We can listen without defending.
Next, instead of lashing out, we can opt for the 24-hour rule.
When a comment offends you, accept it with a smile and don’t react. Let 24 hours pass. Most likely, during that time, you’ll recognize the passing comment had no real explosive elements within it anyway. It’s a small shift that can make the world of a difference.
If you’re the one doing the criticizing, consider this approach:
If you’re looking to modify a behavior, criticism does not work to drive people to change behaviors. Rather, it has the unintended consequence of potentially driving others to feel devalued by our views.
Besides, who likes to give in to demands when they are presented as an order (or worse, a bark)? Hint: No one.
Cooperation, on the other hand, does work to alter behavior.
If you want someone to change their behavior, ask them politely. Discuss the problem rather than commanding the resolution. Consider your tone and word choice. Be deliberate and respectful. Think about how you might ask someone that you admire and respect to do the same thing. And then behave that way towards your family, your partner, your parent, or your child instead.
Replace the criticism with feedback and a genuine effort to resolve the problem instead of biting words disguised as an accusation, a commentary, or a complaint. And even before that, consider if your criticism is needed at all. Is this a momentary slip up? Does it need to be said? Becoming more self-critical before words leave our lips can eliminate unnecessary reactions.
The Preferred Method
The ideal path to avoid being critical is to focus energy inward, leaving judgment to others.
“Criticism is the only reliable form of autobiography.” – Oscar Wilde
Every criticism we offer to someone else is tiny window into how we feel right now. The stress we feel is real. Instead of letting those little things bother us, we can walk away, find someplace to meditate, and instantly feel better. And in my experience, when I can do that, the candy wrapper finds its way to the trash without any headlines.