When I was a kid, my parents used to say, you’d make a great lawyer, you’re so good at arguing. I’ve realized that a sense of being right and defending facts still lingers in me today. I am quick to remind you of your folly. You’re welcome.
Truthfully, we all have a need to express our perspective warranting an occasional healthy debate. But when that debate becomes a futile exercise in the volleying of pointless facts or worse, a heated exchange, it’s wise to remember, once ego gets involved, it will run roughshod over everything else.
Which one of these options best describes you?
- A. I like to be right.
- B. I like to be right but also like to tell others they are wrong.
- C. I like to be right but also like to tell others they are wrong and repeatedly remind them that they were once wrong.
- D. I like to be right but also like to tell others they are wrong and repeatedly remind them that they were once wrong, and in similar situations going forward, will proactively assume the others will do wrong again. And proactively, treat them as such.
Most of us can relate to option A and that is normal. But if you continued to read, and option D turned into self-reflection, you may want to take a step back and ruminate on the why.
Why Do We Bicker?
Our first defense is that we engage in festive debate because we like facts. Facts are important. Of course, they are. And there are those facts that are worth every inch of a healthy debate.
But I’m referring to the day-to-day conversations that we have most often with our loved ones or our colleagues (especially our nemesis). As we argue to convey our point of view, an alternate perspective conflicts with our facts. No, I don’t think so. As the debate gains strength, now the facts are jumbled because a higher level of feelings and emotions have gotten involved.
As that happens, the ego, at best, gets unleashed, and at worst, unhinged. And then, in that scenario, with that person, my ego needs to defend itself. It must win. Now, it’s not just facts. Now, I must get the acknowledgment that I was right and set the record straight, especially against that guy/girl/kid/parent.
In fact, there are occasions where you don’t need to be right. For example, if the Dalai Lama or Pope, or Oprah, or some other figure that you hold in respect or awe, was in conversation with you.
“Helsinki is the capital of Sweden.”
“Well, no, it’s actually the capital of Finland Your Holiness. But go on with your story.”
In other words, we know when the need to be right is not as important as we think it is. It is always a choice. Our choice.
Option E: I choose to be happy, overshadowing my need to be right.
Fun fact: most of the things that we bicker about are not important. What starts out as a love of facts, can easily turn into an ego trip and lack of respect for the other party. Bickering starts a slow subtle deterioration of respect that if left unchecked, can disable our access to the road called Happiness.
And if you must articulate a fact because you must, no need to be smug about it. State your position but be casual about it. Don’t cast any blame. Don’t hunt anyone down. Keep that ego in check.
Or even better, let it go. Find a better topic of conversation that pulls you together, not apart. The next time, you find yourself in a pointless quarrel about something, step back, and remember Option E. It’s a choice worth making for your own happiness.
~ Roopal Badheka
“The four most beautiful words in our common language: I told you so.”
Gore Vidal
“Stop attaching so much weight to being right. In the grand scheme of things, being right is insignificant compared with being happy.”
Deepak Chopra