A few years ago, I took a writing class and one of the first questions our teacher posed was “Do you want to write a bestseller or do you want to write the next Great American Novel?” Whatever our goal, our approach needed to match our intention. And where one author might focus on plot, another on characterization and a third on setting and diction, each was compelled and focused on those defining qualities to meet the end objective.
For life, if we had to answer the question, would we like to be happy or be successful, what detailed plans would we follow towards that goal? Those of us sitting in comfortable chairs today, would likely chose Happiness, because Success we feel we’ve achieved. But I wonder some times, as parents, what would we chose for our children? Are we setting the right priorities today based on that choice? Or worse yet, do we say one thing is important but all of our actions show the other one really is?
I was recently at an event where a parent boasted how very busy her daughter was. Her daughter was in Varsity something or another, worked on homework till midnight every night, chaired one committee or another, and was busy seven days a week with some kind of activity. This woman loved every minute of describing her daughter’s demanding life like she herself was putting forth the effort. I wanted to respond to this lady by saying, “Really? My son loves free time on his hands and enjoys the pleasure of doing nothing.” But I think she would have looked at me like I had four heads.
These days, I hear so many incidents of over stressed kids, with the pressure of grades, activities, sports, and other things that continually busy their lives. Of course, I am for encouraging our children to get involved, to be part of something…but it is our job to ensure that their every moment is spent in doing something “productive” towards their end goal? And will that be, in tomorrow’s world, their cornerstone, and ultimately their passion for life? Will it lead to happiness or success? Or both. Or neither?
The world is full of stories about people that achieved great success while following what made them happy (aka “their passion”). What if Bill Gates’ parents had said, “Bill, how can you drop out of Harvard to start some company, “ and then convinced him otherwise? And yet, there are also a myriad of stories of people who reach to the top….only to find that they’ve just spent a lifetime achieving a life that they never wanted themselves (ergo “unhappiness”) but were driven by their families to achieve. The real question here is, “Are we teaching our children to follow the rocky road to happiness or follow the pre-paved road to success?”
My older son plays piano. People ask me, “Does he take lessons? Will he be giving a recital?“ No. Nope, I say. He doesn’t take any lessons…he hasn’t ever given any formal recital. But he plays….and he makes a point of playing every day, usually for 30 minutes or more. It makes him happy to play….it makes me happy to hear him play; that’s all – a simple explanation that seems to defy logic to some.
Incidentally, I asked my younger son the question, “Do you think Mommy tries to be happy or to be successful?” His answer was “Both.” When I pushed for an explanation, he said, “Well, you always make me happy but you always tell us to be successful.” I burst out laughing and thanked him for his honesty…clearly, I have a little work to do here. I can tell you that growing up, if my parents asked me that question, there would be no confusion. “You want us to be happy,” I would have said because my dad has often said to me, “Happiness is the goal here.”
By the way, my younger son wants a Purple Pill, just like the rest of us – I hope I can help him achieve it.